


i don't want your body (but i hate to think about you with somebody else)

by sapphicgoddess



Category: Fifth Harmony (Band)
Genre: F/F, angst keeps me young
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-29
Updated: 2016-11-29
Packaged: 2018-09-03 02:49:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,056
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8693470
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sapphicgoddess/pseuds/sapphicgoddess
Summary: it’s like the spark that's kept them going and fighting for two years has burned out and lauren is the only one acknowledging that it’s getting cold.





	

Lauren knows. She’s known for a while.

They’re roughly six months into the official relationship when she dares to think about it. They have been together for such a short time but they have been _together _for much longer. Lauren recalls a couple years ago when they were sixteen and so intoxicated by one another that nothing else mattered. But then it all came at once: life, boys, girls, emotions, fear. Their relationship has taken years to build and after all they have gotten through and every single fight, they somehow always found their way back to each other. But it’s almost as if whatever kept them going for the last three years had somehow burnt out in the last months.__

She feels bad about it. She really does. Because she knows she should love Camila. Because she is everything Lauren has ever wanted. And she is everything Lauren has ever needed. People remind her of it all the time. How lucky she is to have Camila in her life. They see the way Camila looks at her as if she’s the only person in the room. And how she holds her hand like she’s made of glass and she’s scared to death of shattering it. They remind her constantly of how lucky they are to have made it through all they did. How they knew from the start there was something between them that was meant to last. 

Hell, even her grandmother told her the first time she met Camila, that she should hold onto her because the way she looked at Lauren reminded her of the way her father looked at her mother. It was as if everyone was constantly shoving down their words of admiration down her throat and there was no way she could think otherwise because as contradicting as it was she desperately wanted to believe them to the point where if anyone said otherwise she told them off.

Because her and Camila were meant to last. They had to be. After everything, there was no way she was throwing this away. But the truth is that in the midst of determination of establishing an official relationship - a relationship where they are both finally on the same page - Lauren has forgotten why she did it. She knows Camila hasn’t changed and she doubts she has changed much herself but how come she doesn’t feel that excitement in her stomach she did just a year ago?

It’s not like she has fallen for someone new. And it’s not like Camila has done anything different. She has done nothing but been the perfect girlfriend since they got together and constantly reminds her of just how in love with her she is. But Lauren can’t feel the butterflies in her stomach anymore. She can barely speak the words back to her without feeling guilty. She’s tried talking to Alexa about it. She says it’s common in relationships - to not feel the same excitement a couple of months into the relationship as you did in the beginning. But the truth is Lauren hasn’t felt it in a while. And it kills her because she knows Camila is everything she has ever dreamed of. Just a year ago she was crying herself to sleep because of how much she loved her and today she just feels numb. 

It’s as if all the pain it took to get to this point has finally managed to shut her feelings down - something she’s been craving ever since Camila broke her heart two years ago when she started dating Austin. It took everything in her to get over her but no matter how much time passed she would always have a weak spot for the girl. And that’s why when the time came and Camila confessed her feelings for her, that was all it took for her to come running back to her. It didn’t matter how much time has passed and how her feelings had eventually run cold. Lauren was just so happy to finally have her that she didn’t think twice of it. So she ignored the voice in the back of her head telling her it was just because she finally got what she couldn’t have before. 

It’s taken so much courage to finally admit to herself how selfish she was being by staying with someone simply because she knew how much it hurt to have her taken by someone else and she refused to go through that same pain again. And it’s taken absolutely everything in her to finally take the matter into her own hands because Camila never did. It’s like the spark that's kept them going and fighting for two years has burned out and Lauren is the only one acknowledging that it’s getting cold.

 

* * *

 

Lauren takes the last drag of her cigarette before she flicks it away out of the window. She steps back and takes one last glance at the familiar image of the girl lying in the hotel bed on her stomach with her hair sprawled out and nothing but a sheet covering the lower part of her back. She places the note on her nightstand and leans down to press one final kiss to the top of her head knowing this will be the last time. She collects her belongings quietly before she turns around and opens the door. She takes one last look at Camila and inhales deeply before she exits. She realizes she’s making the right decision when she feels a great amount of weight finally being lifted off her shoulders.

 

_“ i don’t expect you to forgive me. i really don’t. i’m sorry for doing it this way but there’s no other way i could think of doing it. i wouldn’t be able to stand to see the look on your face if i told you in person. i know you wanted forever. and i know i can’t give that to you. you deserve everything in the world. you deserve someone who can return what you give to them because i know you have so much love to give. and i’m sorry i can’t be that person. i’m sorry i put you through all of these years and i still couldn’t give back what you have given me. i’m sorry. i swear i’d love you if i could. “_

**Author's Note:**

> loosely based off the song somebody else by the 1975 cause that's never been done before (note: sarcasm).


End file.
